I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Randomize
