Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
