his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
