There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
