So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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