What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
