Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
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