I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
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