fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
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