You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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