Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
