I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
