Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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