you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
