Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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