I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
He shit in the fireplace
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
