She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Randomize
