I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
