you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
