I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
