I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
