Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
