she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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