this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
