Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
