I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
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