Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Randomize
