Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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