i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize