cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
