apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
