I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Randomize
