I hate your face
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Randomize
