Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Randomize
