I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
