If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
