Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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