Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Randomize
