I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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