my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
