I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
