I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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