I wish I could teleport
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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