when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Randomize
