First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Why did my mother make you get naked?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize