fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize