you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
