my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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