So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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