Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
