I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
