you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
