just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Semen is not good for contacts.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize