I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
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