remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
