threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
