he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
