i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
it's great music for shaving your balls
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
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