I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
