im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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