he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
