The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
