It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Church boner. Awkwardddd
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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