dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
