How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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