Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I think my fart just growled at me.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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