Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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